For a long time, I have wondered what I truly stand for. To people who know me, this will sound odd, as I’m a person with a strong sense of justice and plenty of opinions. However, as a people pleaser, I often found myself softening my stances with people who disagreed. I also consider myself a very teachable person – I am open to changing my mind with new information. I value this about myself, but it makes it hard to know when, I’m sure. I am also married to someone of conviction who is better than I am at calling up numbers and citations to back his stances. I have wondered whether what I think of as my opinions are actually his because I trust his research enough that I failed to do my own. I know I’m not gullible or signing on to ideas I actually disagree with, but I have wondered – When push comes to shove, am I someone who would stand behind what I really believe in? Would I even know what that was?
As I entered my 40s, and the pandemic hit, politics became even more divided, and pushback against vulnerable populations became more vocal, I have watched. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, or stepping in where it is not my place, I let my thoughts, opinions and feelings swirl and I waited to see what would come of it all. Then, in the last year professionally, I started talking about parenting and what I think parents need and what I think our kids need from us. I wrote blog posts. I recorded videos. I talked more openly about my opinions with the people around me. And slowly, I have grown more confident in my voice. I know where I, myself, stand on more things. And now, I am ready to say what I feel called to say regardless of how it is received.
Here is one topic on which I can plant my pole in the sand and stand behind it:
It goes by many names – black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking, tribalism, in-group out-group, putting people in boxes, false dichotomies, us vs them. Yes, it is human nature and we all do it, but unchecked it is wreaking havoc. I realize that resisting the pull to categorize things into right and wrong, good, and bad costs us a lot. It takes intellectual energy, it takes emotional energy, it requires you to sit in uncomfortable places. AND, I absolutely believe that work is essential to healthy relationships and a functional society.
We all come from different backgrounds and we all have different perspectives. I believe that even the most extreme of behaviors and opinions almost always stem from understandable places. We react based on very real childhood adversity, past traumas, scarcity, fear, etc. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it does explain it. When people anger me, do things I wish they wouldn’t, or just act in ways I don’t understand, this is where I try to start. I assume there’s a reason and I ask questions. If I don’t have access to the person, I imagine possible reasons and go from there. I try to do this all over my life – random people who cross my path, people across the aisle in politics, my friends, my kids, my spouse, my parents. I fall short all the time. I’m not saying this is easy. But I AM saying it’s important.
It is so tempting to call someone else wrong so that we can feel right or feel sure. That doesn’t actually make you right. There are so few places where right or wrong action are even clear. Is healthcare in this country incredibly problematic? Absolutely! Does that mean there is a clear solution that cares for everyone affordably and efficiently? No. Is our education system falling short? Absolutely. Does that mean there is some magical policy shift or teaching secret that will bring every struggling child up to grade level and give everyone advanced reasoning skills? No. Do many Americans feel left behind by shifts in manufacturing and automation? Yes. Is this likely to become even trickier as AI begins to fill positions that used to require humans? You bet. Does that mean we can somehow erase the shifts or write some law that protects everyone? Nope. Are racism and the lasting implications of slavery and segregation having a huge impact on Americans today? Again, absolutely. Does anyone group have a foolproof path paved to a just and fair society? No again. There is so much nuance in how each of us sees the world. In a complex world full of fallible humans, there are very seldom clear or easy answers to fix our problems – health care, racism, national debt, homelessness, global hunger, child abuse. Even if there are clear moral imperatives behind a certain goal, agreeing on how to get from point A to point B quickly becomes fraught. Condemning someone else’s ideas or character doesn’t change that fact. It doesn’t make you more right, but it does harm relationships and genuine chances to connect and change hearts and minds.
Zeroing in from societal level issues to our individual lives, the way I see it is that a person’s first job in a relationship is to communicate their experience to the world. If I want my husband to know how I’m feeling, I have to tell him. If I want people to understand who I am, I have to show them. On the other end of that relationship, I think our most fundamental responsibility to the person in front of us is to believe them! That’s it. When someone tells you their experience of the world, believe them. Their experience is their experience. It is different from yours because they are different from you. That mismatch does not make them wrong. It does not threaten you or your way of life. It is just their experience. You can agree or disagree with what they choose to do with that experience. You can decide whether this is a person with whom you want to be close. But regardless, I can think of no-good reason not to believe them.
If someone says they don’t trust an institution, believe them. You don’t need to jump straight in to prove them wrong. Data aside, this human in front of you doesn’t trust something. Why? What can you learn here? If someone says they feel discriminated against, believe them. Whether the person or system who made them feel this way did something wrong or purposeful is something you can look into. Right now, this person feels this. Be there for them. If your child tells you they are questioning their identity or tells you they feel different than you thought they were (be it gender identity, sexual orientation, career goals, favorite sport, whatever), BELIEVE them! This is a moment where you can get curious and get to know your child better. You can feel however you are going to feel about their choices, but their experience of themselves is their experience of themselves. That is real. You do nobody any good when trying to talk them out of their own reality. That is a quick way to make someone feel small and alone. We need each other. We are all desperate for love and belonging. I don’t know how to fix all our big problems. I don’t know how this all turns out. What I do know, is that without each other, we don’t have much. Black-and-White thinking is the enemy of nuance, of understanding, of real connection. It is hard and unclear and uncomfortable to exist in the gray area in between, but I hope you’ll join me here. It’s murky, but it’s real and its where true connection and belonging thrive. We need those things, and we need each other more than ever. That is what I believe and that is something I will stand for.
