My son doesn’t usually have much homework, but he recently had some makeup work. Right after school (my first mistake), I asked him if he wanted to get the work out of the way or if he needed a break and a snack first. He, in a huffy voice, said he wanted to get it out of the way. He proceeded to grumble about it being unreasonable that he had to do the work while also being disrespectful to 
me. These are both triggers for me. I jump straight to feeling defensive, being afraid I failed to raise respectful kids, worrying that he doesn’t have a sense of personal responsibility and wondering if he has enough grit. None of these worries were warranted. In these moments, though, my nervous system wants me to get angry and punitive and force him both to do the work and to do so with enthusiasm. When I go down that road, it doesn’t go well. I have been down that road many times.
This time, I was decently rested, was feeling pretty good about my own day, and had just set a couple of personal intentions for how I want to do the school year with my kids. So, this time, I noticed when some wiser, calmer part of myself reminded me that he was tired, was in pain from a dental procedure the day before, and probably had low blood sugar. Instead of engaging, I rolled my eyes internally and went in the other room to get busy doing something else. He did his work, vegged out for a little while, and when I was feeling calmer, I brought him a painkiller and a snack. An hour later, he was a different kid – back to his usual self and neither of was worse for the wear.
This is a reminder both to myself and to anyone reading that our kids are also important people to offer the benefit of the doubt. I read in The Explosive Child year ago that if children can do well, they will. It hit me like a ton of bricks – If children can do well, they will. The better I can remember that their worst behavior isn’t purposefully malicious but is a sign that something is in their way, the better I can weather the storm. I don’t even have to know, understand or approve of the reason things have gone awry. All I need to remember, again and again, is that there is a reason. Something is in their way and I can judge them for it or I can help them get it out of the way or stand by them as they navigate whatever it is. I can be a supportive force instead of part of the problem.
