Being “right sized”

Hi Everyone!

Today, on my way to work, I was listening to latest episode of We Can Do Hard Things.

It was an interview with Julia Louis-Dreyfus (LOVE her!) and they were talking about inner voices.She was saying the voice in her head can be harsh and is really hard on her when she thinks she might have put something in the world that is less than great. I think so many of us can relate to that! It is easy to get the message that we are not enough and that we need to do/be/buy something more to make ourselves worthy. On the flip side, Glennon Doyle mentioned that she has a friend whose parents convinced her she was absolutely amazing. Sounds great, right? Her experience, though, was that it took her all the way into her 40s to accept that she is actually pretty medium. This resonates too! It also makes me feel like, as parents, we have an impossible needle to thread. For me, both of these experiences coexist. There have been so many times when compliments puffed up my fragile ego, but then I crashed back to earth when I remembered that I am, in fact, only human. I can be so hard on myself for falling short, but deep down, I also believe I should be that magic unicorn who actually is perfect after all. The truth is, I’m good at some things, great at others, so-so at still others and downright terrible at some too. I learn quickly. I’m a great listener, although sometimes not with my kids. I am not as sympathetic and snuggly as I would like to be when a family member is sick. Keep your germs to yourself please! I am not great at rolling with last minute changes in plans. And, I SUCK at remembering names. Every day, I do my absolute best, and some days that is better than others.

This is where being “right sized” comes into play. We humans like things black and white. I like this food, or I don’t. That person is nice or a jerk. I’m wonderful or I suck. We puff up and deflate based on the latest piece of evidence. I once heard this called “being a tick.” Such a gross and accurate visual! It’s exhausting swelling and deflating all the time and it’s not actually the truth. You are enough! You are valuable and loveable! And, you’re not unbelievably amazing OR terrible. You’re a unique combination of all the things all at once. Being right-sized means admitting to myself that I’m good at something even if that feels risky or I’m afraid of sounding conceited. It also means admitting to myself when I need to work on something or show up differently. On any given day, I do many things. Some go great, some less so. None of it means anything about how valuable I am as a human, and none of it defines my entire worth.

So, rather than basing your self-worth on the world’s latest feedback, what about asking YOURSELF how you are doing? Seriously,  right now, what are you telling yourself about yourself? If you’re talking in absolutes and being unkind or overly glowing, can you put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and ask yourself the truth about yourself in this moment? Can you give up the false high of the puffing up to say goodbye to the brutal fall? Can you be right sized about yourself and your day?

Sincerely,
Natalie Whiteford, PhD