I can’t think of anything I’ve ever done where the stakes feel higher than parenting. There are so many voices and books and classes clamoring to teach you how to parent. You should set clear boundaries and be consistent with consequences. Kids need structure and discipline. Kids need compassion and understanding. Kids need constant supervision. Kids need free time and unsupervised play. You need to keep your kids safe. You need to let them take risks. You need to let them fail. You need to be responsive to their moods and needs from birth, and you need to let them get used to discomfort and believe in their own coping capacity. This is starting to sound like America Ferrera’s speech in the Barbie movie about the impossibility of being a woman in this world. There is no way to thread the needle of all the parenting advice out there. There is no way to be the perfect parent. It is impossible.
Being a parent is an impossible job. There is also nothing more rewarding. There is nothing more infuriating. There is nothing more terrifying. There is nothing more joyous. And, I think, too much of our energy goes to contorting ourselves to fit what we think we are supposed to be until we are husks of our former selves and strangers to our partners. It is inevitable that we will screw up, that we will mess up our kids, that we will lose our tempers. WE ARE HUMAN. Nothing about spawning new life changes that. And yet, we are so quick to expect ourselves to be perfect for these new beings who come with no users manual.
I believe that the best way to navigate this road is with honesty and self-compassion. Let’s drop the judgment. Let’s recognize that what works for one family or one kid, doesn’t necessarily work for another. Let’s remember that we are still people. Let’s remember that all of the emotions belong – joy, love, awe, disgust, exhaustion, anger. Let’s assume that we love our children with all our hearts and that our partner does too. Let’s assume our needs matter. Let’s assume we don’t need to lose ourselves or come last. It may be that being kinder to yourself also makes you a better parent or a better partner. But whether or not that happens, what I know for sure is that being kinder to yourself will help you. What would it be like to reacquaint yourself with the person you remember? What would it be like to come at your life from a place of abundance instead of trying to squeeze one last drop of action from the empty barrel of your energy and inspiration?
Let’s join together to open up about our struggles – to witness and support each other in the beautiful and the hard. Let’s be honest with ourselves about what we do and don’t control. Let’s learn to tend more gently to ourselves. Let’s recognize that we are the parents our children need and that we are enough as we are.
