Thoughts on Parenting Advice

We are drowning in parenting advice. There are innumerable schools of thought to choose from. Each claim to be THE path to a happy, well-adjusted child and there is way too much judgment of people who choose a different way. We are desperate for our children to be “okay” and turn out “well.” It’s too much! It’s too much pressure on us. It’s too much pressure on them. We are all human. We are all flawed. We will all struggle and have setbacks. We are not all going to appear in the history books, head a major company or become a star. And yet, we all matter. We are all valuable. We all have important gifts to offer the world. What if we could just sink into that a little bit more? What if we could stop striving to be the best parents ever and were just ourselves? What if we could stop driving our children to be exceptional and instead just loved them and showed up for them as they are as best we could? What if we were all enough as we are?

In psychology, we have treatment manuals that are backed by randomized, controlled clinical trials. They are the gold standard for treating a variety of diagnoses and are critical to the field of psychology. That said, for any treatment, a huge predictor of therapeutic success is the less readily measured or defined quality of the therapeutic relationship. Being vulnerable in a safe, supportive environment while feeling connected to someone else is a powerful experience. Such is parenting. There is research on the superiority of authoritative to permissive or authoritarian parenting. There is research on the problems associated with corporal punishment and the ineffectiveness of fear as a mechanism of control. Yes, it is useful to look at the data and parenting strategies can offer good guidance. And yet, in the end, there is still the ever-important matter of the parent-child relationship, the balance of challenge and support, the experience of unconditional positive regard. In the practice of these things, you are the expert in your child and only you can feel your way toward the best way to foster the relationship. That requires attention, self-regulation, bravery, and leadership. It requires forging your own path.

Is this terrifying? Absolutely! Is it lonely? It can be. Will there be mistakes? It is guaranteed. It also opens up new possibilities. You might deepen your relationship and mutual respect with your child. You may be able to partner with them as they go through the necessary hard work of growing up. They were never going to fit in a tidy box. You were never going to get to make all the decisions you wanted and curate who they become. No perfect time-out strategy or natural consequence was going to make impossible choices clear. Once you recognize this reality, you can get to know your child more deeply and champion who they are instead of who you thought they would be.

All those tips and tricks and must-read books may still be incredibly helpful. Read away. See what works and what doesn’t. But, please don’t ever let them make you feel like a failure. Please don’t ever let them make you feel judged or let them be a reason not to connect with another parent over how hard this can be. Please don’t let them take the place of the brave and essential work of knowing your child, knowing yourself, and figuring out what works for the two of you. It will be a lifelong process and it will be worth it.