I was a student for a looooong time. Almost non-stop between the ages of 4 and 29. By the time I was done, I was also a mom. So, for the vast majority of my life, my schedule has ebbed and flowed with the school year. I loved school, and I LOVE fall. It is my favorite in all the basic, cheesy ways – the sweaters, the decorations (I even crocheted pumpkins last year, of all things), the cozy cups of tea, and yes, even the dreaded pumpkin spice. Typically, by this point in September, I am more than ready for a chill in the air and changing leaves. I am aching for crisp mornings (we’ve still got over a month of hot ahead). I crave new pencils. I get a surge of productive energy.
This year, though, the lust for fall seems to have abandoned me, or at least be running late. I would gladly go back into summer vacation mode. It feels strange. Maybe it’s because my kids are older, so having them home full time didn’t require much of me. Instead, it gave us more chances to have fun as a family. Maybe it is because one of my kids is dealing with some bigger mental health struggles than I had realized, and school is likely to be a big stressor. It hurts my heart to watch them in pain. Maybe it’s because I’m acutely aware of how close we are to launching these boys and how every school year brings us closer to our first big goodbye. I don’t know, and to a certain extent, I don’t need to know. I feel calm about it. I’m not distressed that school is starting, just unusually neutral. It’s curious that having known myself so well for so long, I can still surprise myself.
Upon Reflection: After sitting on this post for a week or so, I have another theory, and it’s an intriguing one. As fall gets closer and the light has started to shift, I’m finally eager for my favorite season to kick into high gear. I’m not wishing it would hurry up and get here, but I’m definitely excited.
What has remained shifted is my sense of coming change. I’m getting more energy as the heat subsides. I’m currently cozied up with a cup of tea as the rain falls and I can feel my creative energy surging. It’s the expectation that something will be categorically different after the change of season that is totally gone. I was more organized than ever as the school year started, but that doesn’t mean my children are going to magically cease being procrastinators and turn everything in on time. I am exercising more and eating more protein, but I’m not expecting a drastically different body to emerge. I’m planning my next work projects, but I’m not thinking these will be anything more than a chance to reach a few more people with helpful information. I used to think, as fall came, that if I just strove a little more, worked a little harder, slept a little less, I would transform myself into the person and mom that I fell short of being.
I have finally accepted that this version of me isn’t coming. And, if she did, I wouldn’t invite her to stay because she’s not me. If I asked my younger self how this shift would feel, I would have said it felt like defeat. I might have been despondent and felt like I had failed to measure up. Current me is totally fine with it! I’m a bit relieved. I’m definitely easier to be around. I’m at peace with my warts and aware of my gifts. I think that I, and honestly my family, are better off for it.
So, let’s raise our warm beverages to fall and loving ourselves just as we are!
